Sunday, September 12, 2004

Baby steps to my big heart...

What's this? What's this? Inspired to write? To what do I owe this wonderful non-too-frequent occurrence? Well, in all honesty it comes from DP.

I'm still riding his wonderful euphoric wave
that his wind and moon provide me.
It seems as if he's been around,
always in the background,
felt but not heard;
and only recently as he been placed
in front of me.

I enjoy his hand movements, his facial expressions, his intense response to topics and ideas he's so passionate about. I enjoy his text messages that have this huge impact on me. Such as: "From under the umbrella of the unspoken, I see you giving me that look..." Or a simple "I miss you" or "When I look at you I squint...You are that beautiful." I don't know...

This doesn't seem real in a way. I know how important it is to take baby steps and of course the whole "it's the honeymoon phase, it will go away" thing seems to echo a little, but I must say the approach we are both taking on this is different for us. We are both tired of failed relationships because of non-communication and lack of honesty. All relationships need to have that, I mean that's a given, but to actually practice and express it is something totally different. And if feels great! So welcome me to the world of, "I told you it doesn't have to be this difficult" type of relationship. Smooth seems to be the correct word here for the type of relationship we have. Does that make sense?

I always find myself falling back on music. I mean the things that have come up in my life that were either difficult or wonderful, music seemed to be the taming of those beasts or the reason endorphins were released, you know? So now when I listen to music it means something different. Yes, it takes me to that point in time, but now DP is apart of that somehow. I really can't explain it. And it's just starting to do this so when I understand it more, I'll convey the thoughts. I felt it important to share because the change is just occurring and I've read that early documentation can lead to a better understanding of why. So don't think I'm a freak or anything...I'm starting to understand the nuts and bolts that make up my very own grey matter upstairs.

I can't help but think about who my friends are at this particular moment. And I gotta tell ya'll, I've learned that I had this thing about how I allowed myself to be with people who I wanted as a friend. And this is a huge break-through...I felt like I had to allow them to fall for me in a way. If they initially fell in love then I could be their friend in the end. Not every single gay male I liked as a friend has, but the few who did I apologize to because when I didn't reciprocate those feelings I was out the door. And I blamed them for it.

Now, I'm just this single guy digging this English bloke and hoping to mend some broken fences that could possibly lead to a wonderful circle of friends. Have a wonderful week.


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