I feel very lonely right now. I have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I realize I have no one I'm really close to. I also realize its all my fault. I do have my sister but I don't call her enough. Because of that, I have to try and remember details and past emotions when I do call and she isn't able to truly understand me. Gaps are left. And we really don't have a true connection about the conversation. I do thank her for listening and giving me advise. I love that. And we are working on it. We've decided to call each other at least three times a week.
It's not only that but a lot of other things as well. First, the friends I have are all spread out. What I mean is there are too many and I have a hard time keeping in contact with them all and trying to spend time and making the effort to call. And because of this, I'm not able to bond with anyone in particular. I'm extremely grateful I have friends, I really am, its just that I don't have a tight circle of them. All my other friends have their tight circles. I just kind of glide between them all. Just like in fucking high school.
For my own therapy, I want to try and list the things that are possibly making me feel this way.
1. I don't share enough.
2. I don't share my emotions and feelings.
3. I don't share mundane things such has how my work day went. How I feel about co-workers.
4. I have this fucking Jackie O complex where I try and be mysterious, complex, and unpredictable.
5. Stop saying "I'm not, but I will be," when asked how I'm doing and instead telling whoever asks what/how I true feel.
6. I'm tired of this feeling. The tingling feeling that starts in my head and continues through my body and keeps me up at night because I'm thinking I'm making some huge ass mistakes in my life.
7. I'm scared of the unknown. I hate the feeling I get when I think that some foreign hands might be touching what was once mine.
8. Just writing that gives me that fucking feeling. I hate it!!!
9. Speak my mind even if I know it will hurt the person receiving the information.
I'm tired of not being able to find someone or a few somebody's where I can truly say this is it!! Where I can call and they understand my shit. I'm scared. I'm frightened.