Wednesday, February 18, 2004

1973 - Sweetwater, Texas - 5:30 p.m. LORD HELP US ALL!!!

Okay, since I need to seriously boost my self-esteem (according to my therapist)...HELL YEA, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! Now that I have that out of my system, we can move on. ERG is taking me to the UT/ A&M men's basketball game. It should be fun, but I'm a little nervous because of our current situation. We haven't hung out in any public social event for awhile and I not quit sure how it will all pan out. I will just enjoy myself and hope there isn't any weird tension.

My father did his traditional early phone call birthday wish. His sister is really sick and they don't think she will make it by the end of the week so my brother Amador is gonna take him and my mom to Lubbock to see her.

Anyway, all my siblings have been calling...they're so sweet.

Funny thing just happened...M just came by to drop off a couple of presents. She is so awesome!!!

One was from her, a JD Salinger book.

The other was from DG...a photograph book of young Jackie.

They are both so sweet. I miss DG.

Well, off to work...

Monday, February 16, 2004

I can see the light...

I had a great weekend. I feel clear-headed. I've seen the light. BR is such a wonderful person. I owe him so much. He was in town this weekend. Poor thing had been on the road and away from his honey (TC) who's in Europe (I think). They haven't seen much of each other. Anyway, the plan was to met Friday for dinner, but someone in his company made a mistake so he had to drive to a St Charles (LA) store to rectify it. [okay, i'm back. i need to stop looking at other blogs and focus on my own] Anyway, long story short, he decided to stay in Houston overnight because of all the excessive driving. Right...I know him better than that. He stayed so he could shop at The Galleria and cruise boys.

Anyway, I went out and while I was out, I caught the wonderful snow fall. It was beautiful. Everyone around me was just freakin amazed!! I thought maybe because they were all drunk or on drugs, was the reason for all the amazement, but the next day when I noticed everyone else talking about it - it occurred to me that this was a huge thing for Austinites.

I had lunch with BR at Katz on Saturday and I was a little nervous because I knew he would get to the root of my funk...he did. I gotta tell ya...I love him for it. I already knew the answers he just knows how to bring them out of me. The answers you ask...We did a little shopping (me: some origins products and flip wallet) and headed back to his hotel (the new Hilton--it's nice). He didn't want to go out which was understandable so I left him.

Went out. Met some great people. Blah, Blah, time.

Sunday I silenced my phone and did nothing.

I need to return some calls...

Tuesday, February 10, 2004


My father's birthday was yesterday. I called the house before he went off to work, but he was already on the phone with my brother. I left a message. I called again last night and he seemed so happy. It was great. He kept insisting he was 26 not 62. I love him.

I've been depressed for awhile, so because of that and other issues I've hidden or repressed, I've decided to see a therapist. I start next week. Wish me luck. I know I'm sick and need I guess this is a place to start.

MG has been great, calling and emailing. EG called today and we are going to hang out later this week. So...all is not lost in the friendship spectrum.

I'm going to start working out tonight. I have a huge gym where I live and I've never used it. I'm gonna start taking my vitamins regularly. My sister and I had a wonderful conversation last night and its helped me tremendously! I love her so much. And we've decided it's me time!!!

I've realized I don't even love myself. And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that sort of important?

I'm ready for the challenge of finding myself and then falling in love with that person. I'm tired of listening to other people tell me how great I am, I'm ready to find out.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

"Bipolar, table for one"

What a difference a day makes. Thank you and thank you. You two know.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Get your future read here...

I feel like shit ran over a million times on a hot Austin summer right in the middle of fucking I35. It's all different now, everything. The fucking blinders have been lifted and although this is going to take some time to get over...I WILL BE A BETTER PERSON IN THE END. The sheep's clothing have been removed and all I see is my prey ready to be devoured. I don't fucking care anymore. I really don't know what to say about my last entry except it was some sort of look into the future. People feel a certain way for a reason. I'm glad I didn't deny those feelings because it's allowed me to realize I'm not fucking stupid. And although I didn't share them with a single human, I feel better that they are here on my blog. Like a fucking neon Las Vegas sign.

I feel so different now. And the weather and rain outside...and my tears...and my friends and son...and my life, it all seems different. It's just so hard to swallow what has just happened to me. Like a fucking blow to the chest. I need some sleep...

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

I feel like shit...

I feel very lonely right now. I have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I realize I have no one I'm really close to. I also realize its all my fault. I do have my sister but I don't call her enough. Because of that, I have to try and remember details and past emotions when I do call and she isn't able to truly understand me. Gaps are left. And we really don't have a true connection about the conversation. I do thank her for listening and giving me advise. I love that. And we are working on it. We've decided to call each other at least three times a week.

It's not only that but a lot of other things as well. First, the friends I have are all spread out. What I mean is there are too many and I have a hard time keeping in contact with them all and trying to spend time and making the effort to call. And because of this, I'm not able to bond with anyone in particular. I'm extremely grateful I have friends, I really am, its just that I don't have a tight circle of them. All my other friends have their tight circles. I just kind of glide between them all. Just like in fucking high school.

For my own therapy, I want to try and list the things that are possibly making me feel this way.
1. I don't share enough.
2. I don't share my emotions and feelings.
3. I don't share mundane things such has how my work day went. How I feel about co-workers.
4. I have this fucking Jackie O complex where I try and be mysterious, complex, and unpredictable.
5. Stop saying "I'm not, but I will be," when asked how I'm doing and instead telling whoever asks what/how I true feel.
6. I'm tired of this feeling. The tingling feeling that starts in my head and continues through my body and keeps me up at night because I'm thinking I'm making some huge ass mistakes in my life.
7. I'm scared of the unknown. I hate the feeling I get when I think that some foreign hands might be touching what was once mine.
8. Just writing that gives me that fucking feeling. I hate it!!!
9. Speak my mind even if I know it will hurt the person receiving the information.

I'm tired of not being able to find someone or a few somebody's where I can truly say this is it!! Where I can call and they understand my shit. I'm scared. I'm frightened.